just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
