girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
