woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
