i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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