No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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