Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
