well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
