maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
