I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
