I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
