She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
