Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
