He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
