Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
