Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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