Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
