Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
