He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
