Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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