thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
