I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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