I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You are a genius and a whore.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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