i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
