my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
