I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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