Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
