ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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