just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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