Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
