a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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