im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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