Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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