Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
