i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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