I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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