i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
