even my farts smell like vagina
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
