never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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