Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
