Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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