We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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