I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
cat food counts as protein by the way
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
