Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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