Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
