We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
where does the pee come out of this thing
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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