i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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