You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
