You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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