My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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