I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
